The Challenges of Being Assertive and Setting Boundaries for Pleasers and Self-Sacrificers

Many people struggle with being assertive or setting boundaries. The prospect of setting limits or asserting that your needs be met can provoke anxiety as this may require some form of aggression or expression of anger on your behalf. Aggression and anger – in proper measure – can help clearly signal to others what you’re willing to tolerate and is implicated in your capacity to take up space when it’s appropriate.

Some people disavow their aggressive drives – because of conditioning within the family or the broader cultural surround - as they fear that it may negatively affect how others see them or even how they see themselves. However, disclaiming anger or aggressive drives when it may be needed doesn’t mean that these parts of you vanish; instead, it accumulates within, and it may eventually be experienced as resentment and bitterness toward others and the world. Indeed, many clients I see who attempt to preserve relationships by disavowing their need to set boundaries or assert themselves, swiftly cut people out of their lives. Or they displace their anger onto “safe” relationships that are ultimately not the source of their frustration. Others may direct their anger inward, which mutates into a nasty self-critic that sometimes ends in them physically hitting themselves in frustration.

Another common outcome for people-pleasers or non-asserters is burnout. Habitually prioritizing others’ needs over one’s own is untenable and may lead to exhaustion and symptoms of depression. During burnout, their identity as someone useful and helpful is compromised, making their dominant ways of maintaining closeness and connection unavailable to them. This experience can further exacerbate distress, as people in this situation often feel unable to communicate their needs to others – the language to do so may elude them.

Therapy can help people like the ones described above to understand the context of their people-pleasing habits. Everyone is born ready to assert their needs in the world. But, in a global sense, your experiences will shape your attitudes regarding whether being assertive is perceived as negative. Understanding how you went from being an infant who only knew how to need to someone who disavowed your needs can help reorient you to a more moderate space where you can set appropriate boundaries, and where a reciprocal exchange of needs with others is possible.

Mental health professionals at CFIR can also support you in addressing problems often associated with perfectionism, including anxiety, depression, anger, eating disorders and relationship problems.  Contact us to inquire more and to begin or continue on your journey toward making yourself and your mental health a priority.

Dr. Sela Kleiman, C.Psych. (Supervised Practice) is a psychologist in supervised practice at CFIR’s Toronto office. He has provided clinical and assessment services in a variety of settings such as the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, the McGill Psychoeducational and Counselling Clinic, and the Health and Wellness Centre within the University of Toronto. He has alsoI completed his Ph.D. in clinical and counselling psychology at the University of Toronto. In individual therapy, he help adults struggling with depression, anxiety, grief, as well as those trying to cope with the effects of past and/or current verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

10 Tips for Managing Holiday Stress in Fifteen Minutes or Less

by: Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, C. Psych.

Holidays bring us a lot of joy. But the increased demands and events at this time of year can also bring us a lot of stress. We tend to say that we are ‘too busy’ to tackle stress and instead of trying to manage it, we push ourselves to get through each day. Come January, many clients end up in my office burnt out. Managing your stress does not have to take hours each day. Just a few short minutes each day can help you not only cope during this busy time, but also prevent burn out down the road.

Here are ten tips that take less than 15 minutes each day to help you manage stress.

1. Go for a 15-minute brisk walk. It could be around the building during a break, or around the block when you get home.
2. Take ten, slow, intentional breaths. Breathe in through your nose counting to six, and exhale slowly through your nose counting to six. Try this while taking a shower, or standing in line at a store.
3. Notice five things. Whether you are sitting in your office, in traffic, or watching your children play, say to yourself, ‘I notice the license plate in front of me,’ ‘I notice the red book on my shelf,’ or ‘I notice the colour of the lights.’
4. 5-4-3-2-1 with your senses. Notice five things with your sense of sight (see previous). Notice four things with your sense of touch – the roughness of the chair you are sitting on, the smooth edge of the table, the warmth of your coffee cup. Notice three things you hear – the hum of the computer, a car buzzing by, a door opening. Notice two things with your sense of taste (e.g., the taste of toothpaste left in your mouth after brushing your teeth) and smell (e.g., the smell of fresh air). Take one deep breath in through the nose and slowly out through the nose.
5. Talk to a friend, lover, or co-worker. Sharing with a significant other about what is contributing to your stress can help you problem-solve or work through your emotions.
6. Listen to music. It can be soothing to listen to music that puts you in a good mood.
7. Try a guided relaxation or mindfulness exercise. I recommend this “Leaves on the Stream” exercise on YouTube. You can also download the app Head Space and get ten free short exercises to try each day.
8. Let go of unhelpful thoughts. We all have them - the thoughts of worry, the thoughts of “what if,” the thoughts of the worst-case scenario, or predicting the future. First acknowledge that you are having these unhelpful thoughts, then try letting go of your thoughts and focusing on what you are doing in the moment.
9. Stretch. We could learn a lot from watching a dog or cat. Every time they move, they stretch! Try lifting your arms over your head with a breath in, and as you let the breath out bringing your arms back down.
10. Make a list. Writing out your to-do items can help unload the mental energy of trying to remember everything you want to get done. Try breaking items down into small, achievable tasks, and prioritizing items.

Finally, if stress becomes too difficult to manage, reach out for help. Trained psychologists and therapists are available at CFIR to help you manage stress, depression, and anxiety.

What’s Anxiety and How Is It Related to Stress?

by: Dr. Lila Hakim, C.Psych.

"Mood and anxiety disorders are among the most common types of mental disorders in Canada and have been shown to have a major impact on the daily lives of those affected."

SOURCE: Mood and anxiety disorders in Canada | canada.ca

Anxiety tends to be accompanied by a wide range of physical and psychological symptoms. Individuals experiencing anxiety may have physical complaints such as shortness of breath, heart palpitations, sweating profusely, or feeling dizzy. Chronic fearful arousal can interfere with sleep, concentration, and attention, and affect overall functioning. These physical symptoms are often accompanied by negative and self-critical thoughts about oneself, catastrophic fears, and thoughts of terrible things happening to oneself or loved ones. Some individuals will engage in certain behaviours (e.g., checking, counting, handwashing), or avoid certain places or social situations to deal with their anxiety.  Anxiety can manifest in different ways -- individuals can struggle with different types of anxiety, including agoraphobia, generalized anxiety, panic, social anxiety, and specific phobias.

Anxiety may be rooted in difficult early or present-day life situations. For some of us, early childhood experiences in which we lacked appropriate and sufficient nurturance and support may have resulted in a vulnerable sense of self that is prone to anxiety in everyday life. For others, challenging, negative life experiences with family, friends, peers, and relationship partners may have undermined our safety and security in such a way that our confidence in our selves and others has been drastically altered.

Deep self-vulnerability may emerge when the unprocessed emotions and unmet needs associated with these past and present-day life events are not addressed. As a result of these experiences, we begin to think about, or emotionally react to our selves, others, and the world, in ways that constrict us from being able to move freely in the world or create relationships with others. We can begin to overly anticipate danger, or bad things happening to us, and engage in behaviours to cope with the anxiety. These behaviours then stop us from participating fully in life and become a further source of distress.
Sometimes stress, particularly when long-lasting, can overwhelm us and result in us feeling anxious. Some individuals have stress for days before tests, public speaking, or appointments, which impairs their ability to cope with life’s daily tasks. Their functioning becomes significantly diminished and our anxiety response to life increases. Being able to manage stress increases our sense of confidence, and improves the quality of our lives, and reduces our anxiety.

Work stress can also undermine our sense of emotional and physical well-being, and as a result, bring about chronic anxious feelings. Burnout can result from long-term stressors that are unresolved. Being able to cope with work stress is essential to prevent burnout. Work stress and exhaustion are caused by multiple factors that require attention to ensure we are creating a good quality of life in our work lives. Work stress and burnout can have a long-lasting impact on our sense of selves and our relationships when not addressed. When we are overly stressed and experiencing burnout, life’s smallest tasks can bring about anxious feelings. 

The Anxiety, Stress & Obsessive-Compulsive Service at CFIR offers clients a comprehensive assessment and diagnosis of your anxiety issues to facilitate appropriate treatment planning. We employ short-term and long-term, scientifically-validated interventions to address the specific type of anxiety you are experiencing. Cognitive-behavioural, psychodynamic, and experiential approaches are employed to help you resolve issues related to anxiety or stress.

Read more about our Anxiety, Stress & Obsessive-Compulsive Treatment Service.