Many people struggle with being assertive or setting
boundaries. The prospect of setting limits or asserting that your needs be met
can provoke anxiety as this may require some form of aggression or expression
of anger on your behalf. Aggression and anger – in proper measure – can help
clearly signal to others what you’re willing to tolerate and is implicated in
your capacity to take up space when it’s appropriate.
Some people disavow their aggressive drives – because of
conditioning within the family or the broader cultural surround - as they fear
that it may negatively affect how others see them or even how they see
themselves. However, disclaiming anger or aggressive drives when it may be
needed doesn’t mean that these parts of you vanish; instead, it accumulates
within, and it may eventually be experienced as resentment and bitterness
toward others and the world. Indeed, many clients I see who attempt to preserve
relationships by disavowing their need to set boundaries or assert themselves,
swiftly cut people out of their lives. Or they displace their anger onto “safe”
relationships that are ultimately not the source of their frustration. Others
may direct their anger inward, which mutates into a nasty self-critic that
sometimes ends in them physically hitting themselves in frustration.
Another common outcome for people-pleasers or non-asserters
is burnout. Habitually prioritizing others’ needs over one’s own is untenable
and may lead to exhaustion and symptoms of depression. During burnout, their
identity as someone useful and helpful is compromised, making their dominant
ways of maintaining closeness and connection unavailable to them. This
experience can further exacerbate distress, as people in this situation often
feel unable to communicate their needs to others – the language to do so may
elude them.
Therapy can help people like the ones described above to
understand the context of their people-pleasing habits. Everyone is born ready
to assert their needs in the world. But, in a global sense, your experiences
will shape your attitudes regarding whether being assertive is perceived as
negative. Understanding how you went from being an infant who only knew how to
need to someone who disavowed your needs can help reorient you to a more
moderate space where you can set appropriate boundaries, and where a reciprocal
exchange of needs with others is possible.
Mental health professionals at CFIR can also support you in
addressing problems often associated with perfectionism, including anxiety,
depression, anger, eating disorders and relationship problems. Contact us to inquire more and to begin or
continue on your journey toward making yourself and your mental health a
priority.
Dr. Sela Kleiman, C.Psych. (Supervised Practice) is a psychologist in supervised practice at CFIR’s
Toronto office. He has provided clinical and assessment services in a variety
of settings such as the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, the McGill
Psychoeducational and Counselling Clinic, and the Health and Wellness Centre
within the University of Toronto. He has alsoI completed his Ph.D. in clinical
and counselling psychology at the University of Toronto. In individual
therapy, he help adults struggling with depression, anxiety, grief, as well as
those trying to cope with the effects of past and/or current verbal, emotional,
physical, and sexual abuse.
