Talking To Your Child
About Tragedy
Posted by Ali Goldfield, M.A., Therapy Stew
(www.therapystew.com), on Saturday, September 21st 2013
Ali is a psychotherapist at the Centre for Interpersonal
Relationships. She provides assessment and treatment services to children,
families and adults in her private practice.
It’s always difficult as a parent to know how
much to share with your child and how much to shield them from the tragedies
that happen in the world around them. While it may seem like a good idea, at
times, to try and protect them from all the bad things, depending on their age,
it’s not always possible. Children pick up information from other kids at
school, from the television and from social media. Talking to your child about
a tragedy can help her understand what’s happened and actually help them begin
to process the events and feel a bit safer.
It’s a personal decision whether or not to talk
to your kids or not. It also depends on their age, their level of maturity and
how closely they are affected by the tragedy. Every parent knows best for their
own child. If you’re struggling with how to start, here are some ways to help:
Let Your Child Be The Guide
Find out what questions or concerns your child
might have. Let your child’s answers guide your discussion. Let your child know
that you will always be there to listen and to answer them. Try to make your
child feel comfortable asking questions and discussing what happened but don’t
force your child to talk if they aren’t ready.
Tell The Truth – In
Moderation
When talking to your child about a tragedy, tell
the truth. You can focus on the basics but it’s not necessary to share all the
unnecessary and gory details. Try no to exaggerate or speculate about what
happened and avoid dwelling on the magnitude of the tragedy. Listen closely to
your child for any misinformation, misconceptions or underlying fears. Take
time to provide accurate information. Share your own thoughts and remind your
child that you’re there for him. Your child’s age will play a major role in how
he or she processes information about a tragedy.
Talk to Them at Their Level
Talk in a way that’s appropriate to their age
and level of understanding. But don’t overload the child with too much
information. Elementary school children need brief, simple information that
should be balanced with reassurances that the daily structures of their lives
will not change. Middle school children will be more vocal in asking questions
about whether they truly are safe and what is being done at their school.
They may need assistance separating reality from fantasy. High school
students will have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence and
threats to safety in schools, community and society. They may share
concrete suggestions about how to prevent tragedies in society. They will also
be more committed to doing something to help the victims and affected
communities.
Be Ready to Have More Than
One Conversation
Some information can be very confusing and hard
to accept so asking the same question over and over may be a way for your child
to find reassurance. Try to be consistent and reassuring, but don’t make
unrealistic promises that nothing bad could ever happen.
Acknowledge and support
your child’s concerns
Explain that all feelings are okay when a
tragedy occurs. Let children talk about their feelings and help put them
into perspective. Even anger is okay, but children may need help and
patience from adults to assist them in expressing these feelings appropriately.
Let your child know that all his feelings, reactions and questions relating to
the tragedy are important.
Limit Media Exposure
Don’t allow young children to repeatedly see or
hear coverage of a tragedy. Even if your young child appears to be engrossed in
play, he or she is likely aware of what you’re watching or listening to — and
might become confused or upset. Older children might want to learn more about a
tragedy by reading or watching TV. However, constant exposure to coverage of a
tragedy can heighten anxiety.
Monitor your own stress
level
Don’t ignore your own feelings of anxiety,
grief, and anger. Talking to friends, family members or mental health
counselors can help. It is okay to let your children know that you are sad, but
that you believe things will get better. You will be better able to support
your children if you can express your own emotions in a productive manner. Get
appropriate sleep, nutrition, and exercise. Kids learn from watching the
grown-ups in their lives and want to know how you respond to events.
We have all awoken to disasters before, whether
natural, manmade, accidental and terrorist-induced and it’s inevitable that we
will wake to them again in the future. What you say to your kids and how you
say it will change as they get older but the one thing that shouldn’t change is
your validation of your child’s feelings and the fact that you will always love
them and do your best to keep them safe.
Read more about our Child, Adolescent & Family Psychology Service & our Trauma Psychology & PTSD Treatment Service.
Read more about our Child, Adolescent & Family Psychology Service & our Trauma Psychology & PTSD Treatment Service.
